WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING
Investigator 58, 1998 January
So you're unemployed! That's tough! But you're also keen to do useful work – especially if it improves people's lives and the pay is good.
Why not be a clairvoyant or fortune teller?
Clairvoyance is perception of current objects, situations and people when they can't be discerned via the normal senses. Fortune telling is similar in that the things told or revealed supposedly can't be discerned naturally. But fortune telling also emphasizes future happenings. Both skills also reveal past events and current character and by means of this insight help to solve people's worries.
If you're super-accurate and very understanding as a fortune teller or clairvoyant you'll be able to set your own rates.
Membership in the Australian Psychics Association, however, may not be the best way to go. Several years ago a skeptic applied for membership, paid $195, then received a membership card and letter saying, "your name will go on our Australia-wide listing of approved psychics." (Investigator 43 page 46)
The Association had 900 members at the time but no one detected the charade. Therefore it's doubtful that the super-psychic-accuracy that you require could come through ordinary psychic skills.
To overcome your unemployment rut by fortune telling requires more than ordinary clairvoyance.
Of course you don't want to do anything illegal.
Eavesdropping on potential clients when opportunity comes or taking a peek at them before they meet you is OK, but electronic bugging of their homes is out.
Spiritualists conducting seances last century sometimes got accomplices to look through clients' bags, purses and coats – which had to be left in an adjoining room – and secretly report on the contents.
That method, however, may not produce the super sort of insight an unknown like you needs to display to become really famous and successful.
By all means become keenly observant. Successful fortune tellers are all keenly observant.
Clients' hands and fingernails may give clues to their employment. The hands of a nurse differ to the hands of a mechanic. A white circle on a finger will indicate a removed ring. Clothing may indicate wealth, fashion consciousness or poverty. Accent and word choice indicate ethnic origins and education. Posture, expression, hand positioning and voice may all be related to recent upheavals or joys in the person's life.
There are books detailing what to look for – what to observe. Buy a few and do the training. Also watch out for magazine articles on the topic. For example Alan Marshall, author of I Can Jump Puddles, told fortunes at Australian country fairs and wrote about it in Reader's Digest – August 1985.
Fortune tellers also know how to go with the law of averages. Everyone has quarrels, losses, meets suspicious strangers, changes jobs, wants to travel, been rejected, etc. The fortune teller might try a leading sentence – "You've met someone…" – and watch for a change in expression before continuing.
The fortune teller will sprinkle his analysis with comments he knows clients want to hear. Prosperous looking business types are told they're going to make a successful deal. Country girls are told they'll find work in the city.
A good fortune teller, trained in observation, can tell fortunes with his eyes closed if he can get a thorough look at the client first!
There is, however, another method of getting information about clients. And it's inexpensive, requires little training and is exceptionally accurate.
It produces the sort of exceptional accuracy that truly impresses.
It's the garbage your clients throw out each week.
The garbage – plus access to a computer and a certain CD ROM – is the resource that can make you a clairvoyant or fortune teller without equal.
Back-yard burning has become illegal in many areas and restricted in others. This means that no-longer-wanted private papers and documents are more likely to join the rest of the refuse.
PREPARATION AND RESEARCH
O.K. You've purchased your crystal ball. That's set you back perhaps $500. But don't worry, you'll make up for it.
Advertise yourself in the social columns as "incredibly accurate".
Potential clients will phone up and make appointments.
Get their names and phone numbers. New clients should be required to make advance appointments – at least two or three weeks ahead. This gives you, the clairvoyant, time for research. For subsequent consultations such long delays won't be necessary.
Slip a CD ROM of the phone directory into your computer. In Australia PHONEDISC has seven million listings and permits search by initials, surname, suburb, telephone number and other criteria.
Key in the client's phone number to get his address. This won't work if he has a private unlisted number. In that case visit the Electoral Commission and get the address from the microfiche of the electoral roll. In Adelaide this is at Curry Street in the central business area and also in Port Adelaide. Of course if the client doesn't vote he won't be listed. In that case phone him and tell him you're too busy and recommend some other clairvoyant.
Most clients' addresses, however, will be easily found.
Visit the client's house on the day the garbage is collected.
After the wheelie-bin is put on the road-side ownership of the rubbish passes to the local Council. If it contains anything of value you're committing larceny. Usually, however, this will not be a problem. Many people place bottles separately and the bin contains a bag or two of refuse which is truly worthless – except to a clairvoyant or fortune teller. Furthermore your intention is merely to inspect the rubbish and redirect it to the dump via your own wheelie-bin.
Nevertheless if your client sees you confiscating his garbage he might become irate. Therefore be inconspicuous. A pre-dawn swoop, if the bin is out, is probably safest.
Mission accomplished. Now for the sorting.
A thorough study would take an hour or two and list every item. Because your resulting reputation for accuracy enables you to virtually name your own consultation fees it's time well spent. Alternatively a ten minute inspection would still usually be ample.
Packaging, cans and shop receipts reveal eating and spending habits. You can discover the client's preferred brand names for everything from aspirin and condoms to spaghetti, tampons and washing powder.
Empty cans of pet food reveal what pets your client has.
Banks often send statements of deposits and withdrawals and these may go out with the garbage. Many people throw bills away after paying them. Bills for electricity, gas and water will give clues about household habits. Finding reminders for non-payment in the garbage will motivate you to fortune-tell on a cash-only basis.
Doctors' prescriptions, discarded medicines and/or packaging reveal health and medical problems. Invest in a copy of MIMS, the manual which lists thousands of drugs and medicines and their uses and dosages. Suppose you find a silver, metallic, strip labelled “Trifeme” which had 28 pills. MIMS says Trifeme is an oral contraceptive – possibly useful information.
Sometimes people doodle on paper while they daydream. A page full of "Luv ya Sam; Luv ya Sam; Luv ya; Luv ya; Luv ya; Luv ya" will tell you who the person loves. The words "I wouldn't have so many problems if I weren't so stupid" reveal poor coping and low self-esteem. Such a client would appreciate reassurance by being told how smart he is.
Often phone numbers are scribbled on scrap paper and if these include "Sam" there's scope for further investigation. Whether it's worthwhile, however, to raid Sam's bin depends on how much your client is willing to pay and how often. Phone bills may also list all numbers phoned. So keep your CD ROM ready to get the names and impress your clients.
Photos which turn out poorly are likely to be discarded. Yet such photos may still reveal much about the client's family and friends and recent activities such as holidays.
Some workers are still paid in cash and discarded pay packets may have the earnings written on them and the name of the employer. Imagine how astounded a client will be if your crystal ball reveals how much he earned!
Absence of items in the rubbish can also be revealing. If inspection over several weeks reveals no used toothpaste tube or its packaging or its mention on a shopping receipt a disregard for oral hygiene is indicated. In that case the crystal ball could reveal possible need for a dentist!
First-drafts of letters, resumes, poetry, diary entries and job applications will be thrown away. A resume will reveal the client's past life. Poetry will reveal inner feelings, attitudes, hopes, longings, concerns and beliefs. Mail received by the client may also go into the garbage after he has read it and will supply insight to you the clairvoyant about his friends and relatives.
The previous week's TV guide may have been marked and give clues to interests and to what was viewed.
Household members often write notes to each other. For example:
Every note leaves clues – about relationships, concerns, values, morals, disagreements, age of the writer, attitudes, activities, etc.
- "The dog and cat's been fed. Willy has worms and Fluffy has fleas."
- "Found your wallet on the sofa. Open your eyes next time. Don't accuse my friends again freak!"
- "Mum, I'm going to Jeff's after school. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. Love Susan."
- "Gone to see my oldies. I'll feed the pussy and finish the tiling later."
Potentially you could examine every nitty-gritty little thing in the garbage and over a period get a complete synopsis of every aspect of your clients' lives.
Your fame will spread as satisfied clients talk to others about your understanding and insight.
No more unemployment for you! Instead useful, helpful, appreciated, well paying work.
[Name of writer withheld]
________________________________________________________________Note: The "you" statements in the preceding article are a style of writing. Readers are not advised to actually do the things described. The point is that the behavior described could occur and it's good to be forewarned.________________________________________________________________
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